kencyr

kencyr @ 2009-01-01T01:03:00

2009-01-01T07:07:11Z

Happy new year.

This will prove to be a very new year indeed.

I will be free of Teh Saga early into this year, one way or another.

I will find someone new, someone that will be a better match for my needs and wants. someone that will want me - allow me - to make them happy beyond words.

I will be the best father I can for the daughter I adore.

I will continue my education and pursuit of a better life.

I. Will. Be.

To all, a grand new year. make the best of the future today...because tomorrow is built with todays thoughts, words and deeds.

music to be bitter by.

2008-05-02T00:13:24Z

song says it all.

Post paper serving reactions

2008-04-03T02:27:11Z

deleted per suggestion

Emotions

2008-04-02T16:40:21Z

well, another emo post.

I really really am in an interestingplace right now.

I am so...beyond rage. Beyond anger. Beyond depression and despair. Well into hatred and..well you can get the idea from all that.

I've known it was coming. I actually expected it this week. Others are right - you cannot prepare for this.

it is exactly the same as the afternoon she dropped the bomb...and much much worse.

And her attorney has in the petition that I pay. No fucking way. NO. N. O.
ex, when I called her on that, said that she was going to pay for her own attorney. I've told her she'd better talk to her attorney and get that fixed.

Then she has the....gall...unmitigated NERVE to call back several times with apologies and asking for my forgiveness.
I do believe she is sorry.

Forgiveness? not in this or the next infinite lifetimes. She's budhhist. Here is my prayer to her: May you never rise further in your cycles of rebirth than that of an insectile carrion eater until the end of time AND BEYOND. May you ever be rejected of nirvana for your betrayals. May your Karma render unto you what you have truly done to others, and most of all..may you be TRULY AWARE OF IT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME!

Such is my prayer.

Well, it's official

2008-04-02T15:43:00Z

I just got a copy of the divorce petition.

damn.

Lawyer ONLINE!

2008-04-02T12:45:18Z

Getting lawyer today.
Ex told me last night (had to ask) that she retained her attorney last week, and filed at the same time.
I note a distinct lack of courtesy in letting me know she filed.
I also note that teeners behaviour has changed in that time. I didn't seek her loyalty, only her impartiality in this. I (once again) placed some faith in someone I should not have. Now that is neither here nor there.

really considering a PI. I now have consistent reason to distrust. Bigger question is how (if I am right) would that affect custody. If there is no effect, then it is not worth it. Don't know. Lawyer will have to answer that one.
Did make a couple of calls yesterday, and have found out that my attorney has a good rep, and ex's does not. More a quality of service item. Wonder if her attorney will be working for me if it comes to that. I am forced by my word to wait for the settlement offer to come through before I make a yea/nay decision. I strongly suspect (remember creeping paranoia) that the offer will not be what we agreed to. If that is the case, I will have to get a motel or something because I will go to the fracking mat, and take her down with.
I am tired of this. I am well aware she needs me far more than I will need her after the divorce. She needs me as a babysitter. I need her gone now.
She gets proven to be a liar (again...she's made too many promises over the marriage that she has shown she is not willing to keep like, say, not being the one to walk out on it. Swore up and down on that. pffft.) and or worse (see creeping paranoia post) the fireworks will begin. Only she's got poppers, and I play with heavy artillery. There is no way she can hurt me any worse than she has.
Yeah, the anger phase has begun. I've caught her sneaking out more than once after the house has gone to sleep (ironically, this was because of kiddo) and returning in single digit hours.
Trust? no fracking way.
Belief? only if it's in writing from her lawyer.
Fair? what's good for me (and kiddo).

Games? she has no clue with whom she is playing. With lawyer in place, her head/heart games fail.

If my suspicions are right (I give them a 3 in 10 chance honestly) she will discover that it is a very very bad thing to be a target of my ire. When I hit that point, I go from being a nice person, to one that has one purpose: elimination of a threat.
Not saying I am going to do something illegal, but I will will ensure that she cannot threaten my families (kiddo) future. In any way.
I am already prepared to do what it takes to crush her utterly.
I am reminded of the final lines in the Batman Begins movie: You can't kill me. No I can't...but that does not mean I have to save you.

Moments in darkness

2008-03-29T01:08:15Z

Well, managed to reset things back to the agreement.
I will admit that the agreement favors each of us in differing areas. She keeps the house for as long as she can, I incurr a minor credit risk for a short while. I pay less child support, but I am just down the road so I can babysit whenever. I've also offered to take care of kiddo through dinner so ex to be can work a few extra hours. That's not in the agreement, but hey, I get to spend a bit more quality time with kiddo, and it gives me ammo should things go wrong for ex to be. Not being underhanded about things here, if it all works, well and good. I also can watch kiddo for most weekends (not dating for a while, so why not?, again, also allows ex to be to work a bit more to ensure she stays in the house. Yes I think that isimportant.)

I need the lower child support for a couple of reasons, some selfish, some practical.
the selfish is simple...I need the funds to rebuild my life. I will have no savings, and little else besides.
The practical is also straightforwards in the main. I need the funds in case kiddo is hurt, or ex to be is in danger of missing house payment while working to refinance, or I need car repairs or anything else life throws at us.
Either way it allows me to have and be a safety net.
If she takes the agreement as offered, I have no reason to not be generous. Once the apartment is kitted out, I have only the need for savings for the rest of my money. Beyond that, I cannot think of a good reason (or even a bad one for that matter) why I shouldn't help.
Well, there is the reason that she's an ex for a reason..but if we part friendly like...well, why not?
I hate what she is doing to me...that is not the same as saying I hate her. This divorce is unforgivable in the extreme to me, but I am not required to hate.
If this gets ugly then yes, I can and will hate...but not without greater cause.

anyhow.

Been out with kiddo this evening...teener was supposed to sit and chat a few minutes with us but showed up then bailed after less than a minute. All I got to ask her was how was she doing..
I wonder if I make her uncomfortable now.
She bailed...and while I was watching kiddo play on the McD's playscape I felt that horrid lonliness again. That EVIL sense of abandonment.
It is powerful. It is dark and terrible.
I haven't been able to shake it all evening. Wandered around Sams for a bit, but no heart. No interest.
I have few RL friends. Very few. My interests aren't really conducive to making them. Computer games, books (sci-fi, fantasy, some ancient history), role playing games...they are not exactly what one would call social activities.
Pondered that a bit while in Sams..btu no answers. I need to do something social. May go back to church, don't know. Not a dancer (omigarsh can I not dance), not a drinker. Bars have no interest to me.
No clue.

I hold fast to me. I cannot surrender to the darkness that holds me.
I have no idea how to fight it.

Notice the legal fine print

2008-03-28T15:36:21Z

anything I say here is my opinion and thoughts. Legal advice may change those opinions and thoughts and I'm not intending to post those changes...unless I feel like it.

So if you are reading this, and planning to use this journal in the divorce, don't bother. I will follow my lawyers advice (for the amount paid to lawyers, it's stupid to do otherwise), and only that advice. So if I give a dollar value for what I'll pay for this or that in this journal..and it doesn't show up in an official document, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Only the legal version does.

Your regularly scheduled emo and life of me will resume shortly.
Please stand by.

Impact in 10...9...

2008-03-28T01:48:42Z

well ex to be has just repudiated the agreement. Her lawyer tells her she can get the house and full child support. She is allowing me this offer to keep my retirement.

uh. no.

that does not add up. especially as I won't get my retirement until I am 74.

She thinks she can get it all. Her lawyer said so.

edit
and damn but today was feeling good.

bit of background.
I asked ex to be for her tip book so I could make a copy. She refused and some arguing ensued. She claims that info is private. I told her I can compel it's release. She shrugged and told me that if thats how I want to play, she's just going to enter her offical tips, or $20..whichever she feels like.
I took a picture of her with the notebook, and she went ballistic. Accuses me of being chicken about all this, and if I wanted to make this ugly then it is ugly, that I have no right to take her picture etc etc. I point out that all I did was take a picture of her writing in her notebook to establish it exists. More historonics.
I leave the house for a short bit. She calls and goes back into the historonics and threatens to drop the agreement.
I promise to 'behave' in the short time I have left in the house.
She decides while ironing that she is going to go with what her lawyer told her.
She will tell me tomorrow if she's dropping the agreement.

She does not realize that that will not hurt me. The ONLY thing in the agreement that isn't what a judge would order is not selling the house.

ah well, I was a bit foolish I admit, but this...

oh well. It's down to lawyers.

Interesting.

2008-03-27T17:37:33Z

Now that we are involving lawyers...I feel better.
I wonder why. Really.

I know part of why, but not the rest of it.
What I know is that, now, regardless of what happens, I am no longer responsible for her future. Had things been otherwise, if she would have fallen..I would have had to ask myself if I had set her up to fail. (incidentally, that's never been my plan..I only planned on being there when she fell, not causing it)
I know the worst that can happen, though I do wonder about spousal support..but she's worked full time - and lord knows enough overtime - over the years that that shouldn't be an issue...in theory.
I no longer feel the need to be kind about things.

I do hope, though that fades with every shift in this, I do hope that this can be negotiated quickly.
I think she is going to pull something...I may be wrong, and that may be all that latent anger leaking through...but I think she will try to pull something in this phase.
I got no fear of going in front of a judge. He's going to say everything 50/50, pick who gets kiddo, and ya'll go your own way. NEXT! and that's that.
She's chosen the path, it's the last path we will walk together. Consequences are of her choices. I'm ready for them.
She's not.

We've gone nuclear

2008-03-27T14:33:12Z

She's not accepting a negotiated settlement. She will not accept that my attorney would simply type up what we've agreed on to make it all official like.
So, I have to retain an attorney for collaborative law. I think. Depending on what ex does next, this may turn adversarial.

And the bitch of it all is that ex will get nothing more than the agreement. I bet less.
She wanted that house...after this, I don't think she will be able to get it.

Stupid woman. First time in my married life I have *EVER * said that of her.

Waking up

2008-03-27T13:23:26Z

today wasn't so bad.

Woke up when ex to be came back to the house around 5:15, I didn't bother to get out of bed until I had to.
Kiddo was sleeping next to me. Little toddler snores are cute. She fell asleep next to me last night, snuggled tight againt me. Very very cute.

Still not sure of the future, but then, it's too soon to be anyhow. I know it, but I still look there to see what can be seen. Thought on that in the dark for a bit. Nothing worth posting, but...in a way it was relaxing.
I can still think ahead, plan and adjust. I know what I *can* do, I just don't know what I *should* do.
Critical difference, and one that grad school really tries to beat into my head.
So.

I have no illusions that the emotional roller coaster is over. Not by a long shot...but I think I will cherish the moments of peace that I can find, or make all the more for that.
And content myself to listen to the sound of toddler snores, or the memory thereof.

In todays news

2008-03-26T22:13:51Z

ex to be has spoken with her lawyer...all he does is contested divorce. I'm not sure I can convince her that my lawyer will do an uncontested divorce. I've told her, but..
we have an agreement for everything important (house, cars, money, kiddo)..she seems to think that my lawyer will twist it all.
Doesn't work that way for a flat fee divorce processing..but..well, my main journal covers the emo side.

Just called her, and we will have to discuss next steps tomorrow. I have to go to school (on top of work and this disaster), and I won't be home before she goes to sleep. Even if she is going out with her friends.
Bah. I'd whine it isn't fair..but then, life isn't, so no whining on that account.

I'm stressed beyond belief in this. I can't wait for june first. I get my own place then, and I can start moving on. Hard to do that when you still love someone, know they don't love you, and you have to live with them.
The house I live in is not a home. It isn't even a safe place for me anymore. Not emotionally I mean. Physically its safe (aside from high blood pressure, and wild emotional swings..but thats news at this stage?) When one is no longer welcome..things change.

I can wish I didn't love her, I can wish she still loved me..I'm numb at this point..and scared witless of what will happen when I am no longer numb. I'm also scared of life alone, and the rebuilding that will take. I have no clue. None at all.

I'm just soul tired as I said...plain and simple soul tired. Soul's been wounded deeply as well.

Nerves and stress

2008-03-26T18:38:15Z

Y;know..even when I was in far away places with folks lobbing odd missiles my way, I never really encountered stress like this.
I'll grant that militarty training is helping me manage some of the stress..but this is a whole new thing.

Ex to be is meeting with her lawyer again later today to go over the final settlement offer I am going to make.
Now, in fairness, I will say that I've changed things a couple of times. Not entirely by my choice, but I've done it, and that has deeply annoyed her.
It's annoyed me as well.

Now what she is going to discuss I do not know. I know her lawyer is going to plant paranoia and get her to pay his retainer.
She might, or might not. I know she does not have the ready cash for it, but...
I have asked her to have lawyer call me if anything is not acceptable. I want reasons beyond 'I can get more'.
I'll need that if I get a lawyer myself. I've made a fair offer and I want to know if it is being rejected, and why it is, if it is.
Anyhow, I get to go home early to get kiddo from day care, and once teener gets home I get to drive back across town for class. joy. not.

I *HATE* not being able to know what the future will bring in a general way.

I think she will file for divorce today, and, if so, I expect to be served late this week, perhaps by the middle of next. She rejected the idea of us going in together to handle the intial paperwork. Fine. She bears half the costs.
If she files without having accepted this aggreement, then things will start to get ugly.
It almost got that way last night when we were hammering out details of my last (and final) offer.
Again, to be fair, I did not want to change our last agreement, but family pressure forced that.
Her main issue, I think, lies with kiddo not being allowed to travel out of country.
*WE* have a question on child support. She thinks it's a mandatory amount (she says that is what her lawyer told her). Okies. My lawyer told me it's negotiable as long as it's set before the judge gets to it.
She's made some concession offers should it be mandatory. Stuff that cannot go in the decree.
We will see how long that will last.

My honest huess at this point is that we will have to sell the house, as that may be insurmountable. I want her to have it. It works best for our children. But it ties up 4-11k in possible cash. Can't let that go.
The working offer (accepted) is she gets house, I get a lower child support. I can support this to a judge. Judge may not have discretion. If not, house for sale.
I hope it does not go to that. I really really do.
But then, if she retains lawyer...house for sale, because she has nothing to offer in return for it's value.

Pulse is pounding (and unhealthily high), sour stomach, lack of focus. Slow, continuous adrenaline...
no wonder I feel like a wreck.

Questions on Rebuilding

2008-03-26T13:10:23Z

Paid the first part of the deposit for the apartment yesterday. Got a look at a one bedroom that is in the process of being redone for move in.
Apartment manager was a bit embarrased that it wasn't show ready, wasn't a problem for me, as all I wanted was to look at dimensions and start figuring out where what should go.
I wish I could afford the 2 bedroom. lots better overall.
Anyhow.
Furniture I am claiming will fit, though I think the couch may be a bit too big for my own good. Not giving it up - it's comfy and can be used as a bed. I know from both experience, and the fact that ex to be is sleeping on it while this is happening.
To keep my mind occupied, I've started looking at how I want to handle the apartment. Decorating isn't exactly manly-manly, but I don't want to live in a place furnished in the style of early starving college student, or in the style of faux velvet lounge lizard.
I'd like to make it a place that I won't be embarrased to bring a date back to as well.
Pity I am red/green color blind. Gonna be a challenge.

What else should I be looking at to rebuild my life, that's the question of the moment.

kencyr @ 2008-03-25T10:37:00

2008-03-25T16:14:53Z

I feel like ranting. If you don't want to read it, or deal with it, skip this entry.

How I hate Cable.

One of the things that has always bothered me about ex to be is her choice to TV shows.
She watches (watched?) NOTHING BUT Lifetime, WE, Oxygen etc.
Nothing but shows that show men as being evil and rapacious who are out to dominate/control/whatever the beautiful, careing, loving woman who slaves and toils to make the family a wonderful place to be.
Typical plot goes that man decides that an affair is in order. It may be with the lead woman, or another and it's a question of with or without her consent. Woman finds out because Evil Men Are Stupid(tm) guy stalking her gets caught on camera, bad hubby is caught in bed with lover, whatever. She is either cast out (tossed out for divorce) or forced on the run (stalker). She heroically tries to protest to the police, but is ignored, so finds the sympathic plucky social worker (also female) to help them make a new life. Time passes and Evil Man returns (or continues pursuit) and Heroic Woman must slay the Evil Man because there was no other choice. Woman lives free and independant in newfound success with the knowledge that she CAN (and should) triumph over men.

Bah. What a load of shit.

One of my earliest posts went on a rampage about me being tired of being the Evil White Man.
Never could get her to stop watching those damn shows. They do nothing but promote the idea that we cannot love or be trusted for any reason.
I really do blame my divorce in no small part on shows like that. I blame myself for not canceling cable when I noticed this trend.
If there was a mens channel that reversed the roles, it's get slammed for being hateful and abusive towards women.
Statistical note: 70% of all divorces are filed by women. Reason: no good reason.

Almost all divorces leave men with MAYBE their shirts. Some walk out of the courthouse with nothing but a manilla file (empty, and likely recycled) for their years and efforts. Most walk out with crushing financial burdens, restictions on seeing their children and are told to be happy about it. Very, very few come away with their children REGARDLESS of the ability to support and care for them on the mothers side.

for the record, I do note that most families are two income, and both work.
Men are expected (required really) to do more overall. Women are not because they take care of the family.
Both geners face stereotypes. Unfortunately when it comes to family, men lose regardless of the facts. Only way men can win is if woman is a felon, or is in rehab (for the Nth time) or some other aggregious reaon that would put a man on death row.
Men love their children too. I would be willing to say they love their children more because they are more willing to make sacrifices mothers won't.
How many moms, until they have to post divorce, are willing to give up most of their day to make a living? Add on school to get ahead, and then there is the housework (men do do their share most of the time) and then the time with the kids. Add in that men also have the role to protect the family (some idiot goes after my kiddo, one of us will be in a body bag. I can shoot well, and I have absolutely NO qualm about killing someone threatening my family. I'd only have one regret - that I'd have to reload.
Back to the mens version.
So, reversing the roles, any show that put the woman in the role of a gold digger, or as the hostile, manipulative (in the evil sense) one would be slammed by anyone in any official capacity clear up to the FCC and beyond. It isn't a realistic portrayal after all.

Men get villified by the media. it's that simple.
TV Media promotes fear and loathing of men. We are to be feared (channels mentioned above), we are to be held in contempt (Married With Children anyone?). I'm sure there are more, but I watch so little. I only know the womens channels because of ex to be's viewing habits.

It does not help that ex to be and I look at the world in fundamentally different ways. She see those shows and is bombarded by messages telling her to fear. I refuse to fear the world.

Women complain about being objectified..a valid complaint some times...but can men complain? yeah..it just gets ignored. After all, women are just asserting their rights.
Fine, what are my rights besides the right to be an ATM?

IF I EVER get married again, I am blocking those channels. If she can't accept that, we won't get married. I'm not going to let myself get painted that way again.

Another morning.

2008-03-25T12:59:03Z

The next 10 weeks are going to crawl by.
This week she is going to file. She is seeing her lawyer tomorrow.
I get to take a half day vacation from work to make sure kiddo is being watched. And then I get to go to school.
I have become convinced that had I found her with a lover, I would be able to deal with that far more easily than this...abandonment.

Every day it gets harder and harder to return to that house. Last night was almost pleasant. I drove to the house from school, and lo the house was dark. I started to make my way to the back bedroom (mine) and...I ran into ex to be in the dark. She had gotten up to go to the bathroom.
Damn.
We passed each other without a word, and I shut the door.
Damn damn damn damn.
Hell on earth, and not one I can fight because it's in my head, my heart.

I've started having nightmares. Can't recall them, but I do know my quality of sleep is suffering now. I'm sleeping..but gaining little to no benefit.

In a perverse way I am amused. Ex to be's original offer of two years seems ludicrous. 2 weeks ago, we were talking years, then I went to months..now..weeks. Weeks are set because of the apartment. No way around that.

I get to move out on my birthday. How wrong is that?
I wish I could define how I feel. It's almost entirely negative, but not totally. Perhaps that is the absolute beginning of the start of process of moving on.
I don't know. I hardly care.
I do wish the pain to stop, yet it burns anew with every tie that binds that is cut one by one by one.

Daily preaching point
NEVER abandon your mate. Give them the open opportunity to renew/revitalize your love when you realize it is flagging.
Abandonment is the single most devastating thing you can do to someone. I annihilates their sense of self worth, and speaks to the primitive parts of the mind, telling those parts 'you are not wanted, loved or needed, we leave you to die...and I do not care'. Abandoning someone, and telling them 'I'm sorry' changes zip. If anything it makes things much worse because then that person knows how little the other cares. Empty pathetic words. Sorry implies a want to make amends.

I am not a big enough person to truly wish her well after this. I will say those words with no truth behind them..because those are the words you are supposed to say when it all ends. I am a small enough man that I hope and pray she fails - and badly - and that I am there to watch her fall, then complete her destruction. I will not assist in making her fall, but I won't help save her either.
I have to aknowledge that I am learning - truly learning - hate from all this. This I must be careful of, because like fire it can and will scar.
I am no paragon of virtue in being this way. I feel only a slight sense of shame that does nothing to change things. Maybe, when the time comes I will tell her what she tells me....'I'm sorry'
And those words will change for her what they did for me....nothing.

Disaster in slow motion at warp speed

2008-03-24T18:57:54Z

well.

Ex to be called and informed me that she's already seperated our auto insurance policies, refinanced her vehicle, and that she is able to refinance the house, but may have problems qualifying.

She has to fill out some paperwork, and send it in, then see what they (the lender) has to say. She has asked me to consider letting her keep the house for a year to allow her to officially build up her income to qualify.

Defintely a sense of unreality about this.

On the one hand, I must (and did) congratulate her on doing so well in a mornings work.
On the other, thats that many more ties broken.

here, take a little baby angel, and start plucking it's wings off feather by feather. then we can have real fun and use a spoon on the precious little thing. then hot copper wires for an added treat.

Wondering

2008-03-24T13:56:08Z

I'm wondering if the whole divorce depression thing is about to get worse.
Ex to be is planning on filing this week, and I really wonder if things are about to come crashing down again..anyone have experience enough to tell me?

I'm still dealing with unpredictable, wide ranging (negative) emotional shifts, and if they are going to get much worse, I need to know, so I can prepare myself (snort) , and set up something so I can crash and recover.

As is, yesterday I only went on a couple of crying jags. They are getting fewer in number, but still no less intense. My body acts like it wants to go on more crying jags..but I really am cried out. No tears possible. Want more, but nothing goes.
Times don't help. I'm on a countdown clock for moving out. I'm spending most of my time with kiddo. I know I won't have as much time in general with her. Read kiddo a snoopy book on seasons, and just about lost it when it talked about holidays and family.

Folks, another preaching point follows.
The simple concept of losing your family is horrifying. Think about it. Can you rationally look at the possibility of losing your spouse and children in a car wreck?
If a divorce is looming, you will lose it all just the same. Only you get the most painful reminder of what you lost every time you look at your childrens pictures, or a family pictures. Or pick up your kids, and have to take them back.

Gotta say, I am so glad I have my sister. She's doing everything she can to support me. All she is managing to do, I think, is to slow my rate of fall. With her help, I have a chance - not a big one mind, but a chance - to not shatter completely when I hit bottom.

Ex to be is very aware that I still, and will always, regard this as EVIL. We may be able to be distant friends, but this..will shadow things. Likely for the rest of my life. She knows (has admitted) that this divorce is a wrong thing to do to me. That is not stopping anything..and hurts in its own way on top of all the rest.
We both recognize that it is going to take time - and distance - for me to stop loving her. She may have stopped loving me some time ago (and hid it well), but I don't think she really GETS how brutal this is.
She fessed up friday that she'd been thinking about this for some time, but was a coward about telling me. When she told me, she said, it just..popped out.

Took down the highly expensive and tasteful family portrait last night. It's bad enough that I know whats happening, I don't want any more reminders of my coming loss around than I must have. When ex to be got home last night, she asked about it, and I told her I didn't want to face it. She just closed my bedroom door quietly at that.

I really have no clue what to do with my life now. Yeah, I know I can do whatever I please now. Yeah, I know I don't have to worry about anyone, or anything beyond myself anymore. I know that right now, I have no will to live. Not the same as being suicidal, no. Not the same at all. That will change with time. I know that, I know that knowing that changes nothing.
My purpose is gone for the time being. I still put one foot in front of the other, but I'm on a road to nowhere. I do wish for oblivion.

My need for a comforting - loving - touch is unbearable. I suck at dating, always have. Can't date for the next four months. Things may improve when I move out, but that just will accentuate the lonliness, the empty places.

gah, enough emo for one morning.

Positives
I have a place I will be moving to.
This will end. It will not be easy or pleasant, but it will end.
Once I move out, I can start moving on. It's impossible to do so while living with her, but I know it will have to be done.
I have my sister to help me in all things.
I'm still breathing.

changes and more changes

2008-03-23T15:08:20Z

Things never work out. Not in times of divorce.

I've been...forced, shall we say, by family to make some changes to the agreement the two of us have hammered out.

It's that, or I get no assistence from them.
Fine, standrd possession order
Fine child support
Fine, the damn house gets sold.
Fine, I lose it all, and to hell with them.
Going to be lonely holidays. Not going to deal with family. Notta chance in hell this year, may be never again.
The ONE FUCKING TIME I go to them for help..and this.
At least my sister isn't in that game.

saturday morning, I tossed my families requirements at her, with the upshot that I can't move out until the house is settled. Gave her the intial choice of sell the house, refinance, or keep me as a roommate. Told her roommate works best financially. Told her to think it over during the day, and that I was going to do the same. That...as it turned out, would not be possible.

Anyhow, gave ex to be a stark choice last night. She refinances the house by may 31st or it goes on sale.
I'm moving out on may 31st, unless things change (they won't).
Ex has informed me that she will be filing this week. There is the very minor chance that it will be next, but...what difference does it make? she wants to be legally seperated.

Dad told me to not move out until the house is fully settled. That could take years if she has to save to refinance.
How many of you could live with someone you adored (but no longer loved you), and deal with the knowledge that one day you are going to come home and find them with companionship..and later that evening you hear bedsprings squeak?
That is simple cruelty. Note that don't ascribe that trait to ex to be.
I'm certainly not that strong. I can't get that strong living with her day after day.
Out of sight, out of mind. That's why, last night I told her to refinance, or sell.
I simply cannot face even the idea. It makes me literally sick ( I puked when I finally worked around to it)
10 weeks is enough time to get everything rolling, get finances straightened out, and..move out.

Wife called a few minutes ago from her work and thanked me for being concerned about her.
I so want to cry again. Rage at the world. If there was a button to shut off the universe, right now I'd push it without a qualm. No hesitation.
Toddlers joy at the world only sharpens the pain. I love her do dearly, and her love for me is so uncomplicated, so pure. It's all I have left.

I am so tired, so..beyond sorrow, beyond myself in this. Today is supposed to be a joyous holiday..instead...

Why? Why me? Why this? questions with no answer, there will be no closure on this..only a empty life for a while.

I despair.

Happy Easter

2008-03-22T14:08:57Z

or happy bunny day, your choice.

Kiddo is happy.
One day I will be.
Holidays and divorce. No joy there.
Some day...some day.

High anxiety

2008-03-21T02:55:21Z

today was definitely in the high stress category.
Wife met with attorney.

She won't tell me what was discussed. I told her about mine, but it's stupid to think she'd reciprocate. Didn't think she would. She didn't dissappoint.
She started off things with a (sarcasm) polite 'I can get child support. I'm entitled' (/sarcasm). and things went from there.
Her lawyer has not run the numbers. Wouldn't have in a consult. Raw time favors me. Circumstances favor me (she gets school days, I get full days) in the child support arena.
I replied calmly that she shouldn't be so sure.
Sneer sneer.
Yeah lady, you know best.

She got snotty on the house issue. She doesn't want me to have the right to foreclose if she misses a payment.
okkkaaayyyyy....
she said if she misses a payment she will sell the house. I told her if that went in the contract, no problem.

Her loss.
why?
If I have the right to foreclose...it does not mean I have to exercise it immediately. I have the option to do so, but it don't have to.
Her way, if she misses a payment, All I have to do is file a motion to compel, and she's got to put the house on the block. I don't foreclose for sale. The county does because of the divorce contract.
Not smart, but hey, I'm the evil person with an X chromosome. Can't be trusted. I'm one of those evil husbands from the Lifetime network.

She got snooty about the car for the same reasons. I reminded her that if she refinances the car, it's no longer my problem, and not my care.

At that point I asked point blank if she retained the lawyer. She told me it wasn't my business.
Oh yes it is. I asked her if she paid the attorney, she said yes. Fine, I told her, then we are done talking.
I got up from the table and headed for the front door, pulling my cell out. I had to get my attorney on retainer.
She called out to me before I got to the door that, no she didn't pay her attorney anything.
Bluff called.

Sat back down again, and talks resumed. She was smoking pissed.
(side note: that tells me she cannot afford the attorney. no suprise. *I* can't afford one personally.)

She demanded that we use her attorney to settle things. She said she was going to have her attorney retype the offer with her terms.
I got no problem with that. But I wanted a copy of the contract before she filed. And I am going to have mine look it over for gotchas.
Fine fine.
Now she wants a specific date for when I will be out of the house.
Oh boy.
I point out that she has no means for forcing me out at any time. My name's on the loan same as hers. Same for the title. House is half mine until refinanced. Ugly ugly little spat.
Even by providing the PROJECTED vacancy schedule for the apartments wouldn't satisfy her.
(Digression, called the apartment manager and a 1 bedroom will open in about 3 weeks or so).
Made it real clear there is NO chance that I will move out until divorce is filed. And that I'm also constrained by when an apartment opens up. I had no options there. Told her I'd move out as soon as possible, and not a day later.
Still wanted a specific date.
I shrugged. If she can't listen, I can't get her to listen.
She snapped that she'd move out then.
I shrugged and advised her that would be a bad idea. Personally, I don't know the specific period for Abandonment, but I told her if she did that, I could counterfile under that...and that'd be real bad for her. Got whatevered.
Right woman, I hear you roar, stop posing and get with reality.
Then, she tells me she wants her lawyer to write up the divorce.
Sure, how much will it cost.
Uhhhhhhh....
Told her how much mine would charge for an uncontested, she needed to compare.

So, status quo ante.

I get to wait until I get an official counteroffer, get it checked then we can file.
If it's clean, then we can file the following business day if things permit. May take a couple of business days, but whatever.
It'll be over save for the paperwork.
We get a reasonable split.
We get done.

She pulls a gotcha in there...I plop my retainer down, and I make my case for primary custodianship and rest of the ball 'o wax.
That fight'd get expensive. And require many many things. Things my ex to be hates..like a psych eval. Things like interviewing teener. Things and more things.
Oh, and lawyers don't work when the retainer runs dry.

BUT that being said, the changes she demands are self-destructive. sure. notta problem.
As long as I am cleared of the house and car loans, keep my retirement and I can take care of kiddo on my terms...notta problem.
She want's me gone. More accurately, she wants me gone, but wants to keep the benefits of having me around.
No.

Ex to be is walking out of the marriage with a helluva lot than she brought in. I'm walking out with considerably less.

I'm not being greedy. All I get is what I've earned, and the means to ensure my daughter's future. I have no faith in ex to be's ability to make one for her. I am also caring for kiddo the majority of the time. I will not be shorted in my ability to deliver in that care.
Period damn dot.

Prayers needed

2008-03-20T14:22:45Z

Ex to be is going to see her lawyer.

I pray he's ethical (most are to be honest)
I pray he see's a fair agreement and tells ex that.
I pray she believes him.

This is the tipping point.
She is considering hiring the attorney (not just a consult). I hope not, but it seems like she doesn't want a negotiated settlement, she wants a collaborative law settlement, or a full bore adversarial just like those men-hating movies shown on cable.

More expensive, with lawyers hammering out details we could do anyhow.
She never could do things the easy way.
I'm not asking for much out of this..but her attitude smells like she thinks I am being selfish, and that she should get more.

still, I think she thinks if she pushes hard enough, she wins it all.
Not likely. Most likely we both lose everything.
But, then, she's trying for everything. She's had it, just never realized it.
All she's going to get out of this, if she decides (or is persuaded) to push is bills.

Pray that she gets a lawyer that can and will tell her she is getting a fair deal. And that she believes him.

Gonna be an anxious day, but I'll find out tonight.

Meditations

2008-03-20T13:21:09Z

on whats going on.

May be more incoherent than usual..but it's only just stuff that I am thinking on.

every day gets a bit more stable. The closest to describe it is having a VERY well attached band-aid ripped off. The gaping wound still smarts, but once I realised that the worst has already happened...well..

I fully expect things to go nuclear. She is going to hear money from her free consult. I bet teener a smoothie that ex to be will repudiate her stated agreement (note: all I did was type up what she told me, and put in a very few things I wanted..mostly promises to get her own self responsible for what she wants). Teener took the bet.

Super proud of teener. She's doing an outstanding job of supporting both me and ex to be. I know she is baised in my favor, but I also know she deeply loves her mom. I'm not weaponizing teener, and I am actively encouraging her to stick by her mom through this. Ex to be, and my issues are ours. Not teeners. I did good by teener. She's doing good by us.

Ex to be is 'begging me' to stop talking to teener about the divorce. I begged her to stay. We know how that worked out.
To be fair, I suspect she thinks I am either trying to weaponize teener, or I'm dropping a load of guilt. Hardly. Teener and I talk about the divorce yes, but more in the context of what next. We both have to pick up shattered lives, and ex to be is..very not aware of whats happening next. Teener is, and she will help her mom through the following year.

Finally approaching a living level of food intake. not there yet, but getting there.

Was finally able to focus on a term paper yesterday. got about 1/3 done. middle third is already templated, just need to crank the info in. Last third is going to be sticky, but then tying everything together can be that way sometimes.

Talked to one prof about what's going on. He understands the problem (divorce tends to pull ones mind away from schoolwork for some odd reason..) and isn't willing to exactly cut me slack, but is willing to keep a close eye on me and smack me upside the head if my work starts getting sloppy. (translation: I get opportunities to correct shoddy work). He knows my normal quality of work - had him last semester, so I ought to be able to get through this class well enough. Need to talk to my other prof. THAT one is going to be a bit harder to handle.

Teener and I went to IKEA yesterday. I asked her to come along, because I am so indifferent to stuff. She's got a good eye, and we got some good quality time together. I hate to say this, but..I think I missed some real opportunities with her. Nothing like a crisis to bring folks together. Anyhow. Went through IKEA and pointed out some things I was looking at for my apartment to be. Teener approves of most of my choices. Likes them better than moms decorating tastes. ex to be likes antique victorian stuff. we (teener and I) hate it. Did the same at Kohls. Got smacked for bad choices for bed stuff. Didn't buy a single thing. Good fun.

Talking with teener really brought something into sharp, sharp focus yesterday. In all the years I have been married, I've never had anyone I could *talk* to. Ex to be never really wanted to listen, and never did care. Talking with teener over the past week was...refreshing. Fun even. Depressing due to the topic, but still very refreshing.

Teener honestly thinks I will be better off without her mom. Odd to hear teener say that, but even she has seen some of what family and friends have.

More than a bit anxious about ex to be's visit with her lawyer. Not a single thing I can do about it. Really do wish she would change her mind.

While I cannot fathom why she wants to leave me, I do have the certain knowledge that I am a good man, a good father, and that I was a good husband. Ex to be has said that, and that is something I have come to accept as true. I've always known that, but..acceptance is different. And long past due.
Whoever finds me (and can tolerate my quirks) will have a treasure. If you can meet my modest needs, you will have devotion like you have never known. Provided we click that way y'know.

This is going to scar me. Badly for a while, but I'll heal in time. I've no idea how I will be, or how I will know I've healed, but I hope that I don't chase away MY second chance while healing. Or out of fear of a second drastic rejection.

I find myself thinking on YES's 'owner of a lonely heart' song. "how we move on like everyone" keeps repeating in my head at odd times. Truth there though. Life does not stop, and, like everyone else, we move on.
We move on.

Cold house and post consult

2008-03-19T11:56:42Z

For anyone reading this journal, learn.

If you want a divorce and your partner accepts that, it does not have to be like the movies. It does not require drama, the flinging of crockery or the like. It does not require you to act like you really hate the other person.

If you want a divorce, make it peaceful. All it requires is civility, and beleive it or not, a touch of warmth for the soon to be ex.
You may not want to be married to that person, but if both of you can accept the fact that it is happening, then treat the other with basic kindness. Do not freeze them out.

enough advice.

House feels cold now. Has felt cold since this started. Cold perhaps is not the right word...soulless? Yes, I think that fits better. Combine that with the hostile maisma from ex to be and..it makes for some very uncomfortable arrangements(sp).
Homes have a vibe. Especially homes with children. Even if there is no one present, you can feel them. There is an indefinable sense of...presence.
Now...now this house's vibe has gone from willy wonka's chocolate factory to that house in Amityville.
Last night I had to go out for a school project meeting. Project team was stunned that this was happening, and was confused but very supportive. They've said they will carry me through this project (I helped most of them last semester, and they know my typical product is good quality) because I am..not at the top of my game. I feel like crap for that. I shouldn't, but I do because I do take pride in my work.
We wrapped up, and I headed back to the house.
The drive felt like I was going to jail to serve 50 years hard labor
Yeah, I know the house is half mine, and I shouldn't let her drive me out. For that matter, I can't leave until my apartment comes available AND the paperwork has been filed.
This is going to be a long four months.

On the positive side, teener is supportive of me, and her mom. She did slap me down last night while we were talking for making her a messenger. She's right. She also rather dryly pointed out that her mom doesn't listen to anyone save her friends anyhow. Proud of her. Both for slapping me back for being wrong, and for simply being there to listen. She gets how hard this is for me.

Anyhow I didn't finish the lawyer chat upshot.
I offered a good deal. More importantly I've offfered a fair deal. I may lose on the child support front, but it is highly likely that won't be so bad due to several factors I can use to reduce it.
Folks, lets make something clear:
should the custody portion of this work out as written (and that was all her idea, so it should) I am going to be supporting the child at my place for a good chunk of the time. I will likely be handling dinner for kiddo 7 days a week. I will have taking care of kiddo 3 full days of the week. When kiddo hits school age, I will be caring for her for a goodly chunk of her non-school hours. I will be caring for her on her non-school days.
The only thing I will not be handling for her (directly) is her clothes. Ex to be is absolutely correct in this. My fashion sense..isn't. And I am color blind to boot.
anyhow.
Combine that fact above with full joint custody..and that is why I am trying to avoid formal child support.
I will already be supporting the kiddo.
moving on.

I was nattering yesterday about how ex to be can't afford a lawyer.
I've got a question into my lawyer as to how that would work. If ex to be tries to get me to pay for this, I will have to counterfile. Things will get ugly then.
Why should *I* have to pay for this? Ex to be has had all the dang time in the world to save up and do her homework. She has been the one controlling this from the beginning.
I'm supposed to pay for the worst thing to happen to me? And I supposed to pay to hire someone to do it to me?
I think not.
She's made a helluva lotta noise about how she's an independant woman (and oh, how she roars).
Welcome to independance. It means you are on your own.
She's got a job. She can deal with it.
She's an independant woman.